I dare you to think of anything more American than the Super Bowl. What other event encourages its viewers to shove massive amounts of food down their pie holes while catering to their incredibly short attention spans? Sure, the game itself is long, but let’s be honest; most of us heard this conversation 80+ times over the last week:
Dude, you watching the Super Bowl this weekend?
For sure! But Imma be honest, I only watch for the commercials.
OMG me too! Those ones with the talking babies – GENIUS! LOLOLOLOLzzzzz
Food, booze, football, and various companies trying to get us to buy their products. Really, there is nothing more American, which is why you need to prepare for the game ASAP. Pretty sure you get kicked out of the US if you don’t participate in at least 2 of the following rituals.
Cue the ill-fitting and mostly ugly wardrobe options. There probably isn’t anything on this earth that is boxier than a football jersey, but that doesn’t stop fans across the nation from wearing them. Who doesn’t want to honor their favorite player by wearing a weird, mesh shirt with said player’s name across the back? Just because you aren’t on the team doesn’t mean you shouldn’t suit up as if you might get called in at any time. And to the ladies: you rock those belted jerseys and leggings! Your huge, brightly-colored belt definitely distracts from your shoulders that now look 5-times broader. Your boyfriend is going to think you look damn hawt! Word of warning: don’t be weirded out when he asks you to leave the jersey on when you fool around later. Don’t worry if you don’t have a jersey. There are plenty of other options available to you, such as t-shirts. You can never go wrong with a shirt that features a witty saying sprawled across the front in all caps, such as “(Player Name) IS MY HOMEBOY” or “KEEP CALM AND FOOTBALL ON.” Before you know it, your hilarious t-shirt will be a conversation starter!
Of course, there are plenty of options for the ladies too. Many teams offer Ed-Hardy style shirts that feature their team colors and a v-neck. Heyo, cleavage! Your boy-toy won’t know whether to watch the game or keep staring awkwardly at your rack.
Black Eyed Peas, plz!
Booze, and lots of it. You’ll either need to:
- Drown your sorrows of your team’s failure of making it to the Super Bowl this year;
- Get slightly buzzed to put up with the people at the SB party you attend;
- Drink enough so you can confidently pretend that you understand what’s going on in the game; or
- Slam beers because your team actually did make it to the Super Bowl and you are nervous as shit.
Of course, this bring up the question of what to drink. Beer is always a great option for football, as is super sugary soda with booze added. Fuck yeah caffeine and alcohol! Either way, you’re going to feel like shit and not accomplish anything at work on Monday, so you might as well drink so much that you forget you have to work in the morning. Besides, your coworkers are used to your Monday-morning hangovers.
Basically, choose anything that will clog your arteries the fastest. Deep fried goodies are ideal, along with cheese dishes. Cheese is so versatile! You can slice it for crackers! You can form it into a ball! You can shred it and put it on all the other food! You can get a spreadable version! You can melt it into liquid gold! You cannot go wrong with cheese, which is why the dip below will be a hit. PLUS this basically qualifies as cooking which will make your boyfriend want to wife you up, pronto.
- 1 8-oz. block softened cream cheese: FULL-FAT version. None of that reduced-fat shit here.
- 1 packet ranch flavoring, because ranch is America’s flavor. #Merica
- 4 oz. finely shredded cheddar cheese
- 6 oz. light beer: because food should have an alcohol content, too.
- Pretzels for dipping
- Combine cream cheese and ranch flavoring.
- Add in shredded cheese.
- Slowly add beer. Don’t forget to add some to the dip, too.
- Chill for at least half an hour and then HAVE AT IT.
Refrigerate dip in a sealed container. Dip keeps for about a week, although if it lasts more than 2 days, you’re doing America wrong.
Discuss your favorite commercials and continue gouging on food and drinks. That sums it up, football friendz. Keep it real and go prepare your cheese tray.