As you may or may not know, AKA in news you probably do not care about, Hulk Hogan returned to the WWE on Monday during Raw in Green Bay. Da “Frozen Tundra,” dontcha know?! Cheeseheads across the stadium freaked da shit out (but did not spill their beers) to see the Hulkster in all his glory.
(My partly-dead wrestler/lover, the Undertaker, also returned and I was insanely jelly of everyone in the audience, but this isn’t pertinent to the story. I just wanted to mention how awesome the Undertaker is.)
The following night, WWE was in Milwaukee to tape Smackdown, which is also a popular show the WWE has. Let me emphasize that this show is popular and people watch it. Why do I emphasize that? Because every time WWE comes to Milwaukee, the show is … uhh … suckish. It’s not totally sucky because some cool things happen sometimes, but also it’s nowhere near as good as shows in other cities.
So there I sat in the crowd, expecting something at least somewhat as exciting as Raw had been the previous night. Maybe the Hulkster would appear for 30 seconds? Or have a pre-taped segment? Or just come out and point at his ‘stache? Nope. None of that. While the person next to me ate what smelled like a pile of raw onions, and the couple behind me fought about what to buy their kids, and yet another fan behind me kept cheering for the Miz, I was treated to a brief video recap of what happened the night before on Raw. And then my wrestling boner was completely dead.
Needless to say I am a little disappointed with the show but let’s get over that. The main point here is that Hogan is back – whee. And what better way to celebrate than by looking back at the greatest moment(s) in his career on the ever-so-popular show, Hogan Knows Best.
It’d be nearly impossible to say what the best part of this show was. Was it Hulk with his somewhat ironic overprotective parenting style? Was it his wife who we all kind of knew would end up being crazy? Was it his batshit crazy kids? I’d have to say … all of the above.
First of all, this show premiered in 2005 – holy shit almost 10 years ago – a time when Paris Hilton was still idolized and people still knew who Aaron Carter was. These two facts alone explain most of the antics of Terry’s kids, Brooke and Nick. Oh and they called the Hulk “Terry” to make him seem more real or something.
The show exposed us to this “real” side of “Terry” the Hulk Hogan as we watched him trying to control his over-sexualized teenage daughter, Brooke. For being an overprotective dad, Hulk’s daughter was still seen running around with her bleached-white hair flailing all over and her boobs awkwardly hanging out. Like any normal teenage girl, Brooke wanted to be a famous singer and we, as the audience, were treated to her struggles to accomplish that goal. And boy, did she accomplish it!
But really, she’s just trying to live. I shouldn’t be all up in her grill.
Eventually Brooke moved out and *surprise* got her own spinoff series, Brooke Knows Best, which – you guessed it – was just as awesome as Hogan Knows Best. (But not as awesome as these pictures. Wait, I meant creepy. Definitely creepy.)
Then there was Nick. Always living in the shadow of his sister’s man-shoulders, uhh I mean talent, Nick sometimes struggled. We watched him bounce from interest to interest, or at least I think so. For some reason I don’t remember much from his time on the show, probably because he has blond hair but shaved his head and dudes like that always look super creepy to me. When I look at him I just hear the lyrics “When I get you all alone / I’m gonna take off all your clothes” except instead of getting turned on I feel like I’m 2 seconds away from being date raped.
The best I can remember from the show is that he was like a rapper wannabe, maybe? Or a race car driver, which is unfortunate since he was involved in a car accident in 2007 that left another passenger, one of Nick’s friends, severely injured. (Good thing I could use Google to find that out but nothing about Nick’s appearances on Hogan Knows Best.)
And who helped bring up such two fine young adults? None other than Linda Hogan, the eclectic mom that we all kind of wished we had but also kind of wished didn’t exist. Linda’s body is comprised of more plastic than it is of actual human flesh, which may have interfered with her brain activity from time to time.
Linda was the typical “cool mom” and talked Terry into letting their kids do fun things, like go on dates! Remember the first episode when she let 16-year-old Brooke go on a date with with a 22-year-old college guy? Such a cool mom, and her tits are way bigger and perkier than any other mom I’ve seen! Those kids were damn lucky.
That is, until the marriage fell apart and Linda started dating some dude that went to high school with Brooke and Nick. …not awkward at all. Really, could you imagine your mom shacking up with some douche who you formerly had to change with before gym class? #awkward
I mean, they couldn’t make this stuff up, which is probably why it’s VH1’s highest rated television series they’ve ever had. Seriously.
Oh, and Hulk “Terry” Hogan was on the show too.
Obviously Hogan is a lot better at wrestling than he is at family life. Hopefully he sees this flattering blog post and feels so bad for me that he appears in Chicagz on Monday at Raw. And yes, that will be my second wrestling event in under a week. Such fan! Very wrestling.