Totally Total Divas: Eggs Over Freezing

The second episode of Total Divas Season 3 premieres tonight, so what better time to dissect the first episode?  Here’s a refresher so you are up to speed before tuning in tonight.

My reaction to the season premiere of Total Divas matches Mr. Cena's.
My reaction to the season premiere of Total Divas matches Mr. Cena’s.

But first, what’s up with that episode title?  Is it supposed to sound like eggs over easy?  Nice try at being clever, E! Network, but that title is a stretch for even your college-educated viewers like me.  (It probably isn’t but I am trying to make myself feel better for not understanding the play on words right away.)

Summer Rae: M.I.A.  And I don’t mean the lady rapper with dope style.  I mean missing in action.  She was briefly mentioned at the beginning of the episode and is supposedly still filming a movie.  Hopefully it’s not a porno.

Trinity and Ariane: The Funkadactyls?  More like Funka-LACK-tyls in this episode, amirite?  Not because they were lactating, but because they weren’t really in the episode.

I’m leaving now, that joke was too much. KBYE.

Nattie: Still weird and old lady-ish as ever.  Bring on the weird trench coats and blazers!  As permanent holder of the title of Queen Bee Most Mom-Like / Biggest Pushover Ever, Nattie got assigned to babysit the new / veteran Rosa Mendes.  Nattie is not thrilled, mostly because her cats weren’t in the episode at all.  Poor, modest Nattie can’t take the nakedness of Rosa Mendes and is put off by it, but warms up to Rosa at the end of the episode after kicking her surgically-constructed ass in the ring.  All in all, pretty boring.  Bring back TJ and the other pussies plz, thx.

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Rosa Mendes: The newbie / veteran wrestler is out of rehab and back in the WWE.  Why they decided to bring her onto Total Divas is a mystery.  Oh wait, for more drama, duhz.  From what I gathered from the first episode, Rosa enjoys walking around naked, having big boobs, and unknowingly (?) annoying Nattie while acting like a psycho.  I’m rooting for her though, just get a new wrestling outfit that doesn’t let everyone see your old lady bra.


Brie Bella: Helps her sister freeze her eggs.

Nikki Bella: Freezes her eggs.  And – SURPRISE – doesn’t tell her boyfriend / casual proposer John Cena.  Seriously, he says to her, “If we get married, will that be enough?”  Pretty much saying, “If I put a ring on it, will you stop whining about everything else so I can get back to making rap albums?”  So Nikki does what any normal, sane person would do and heads to the gyno to harvest some eggs and toss ’em in the freezer.  However, she first has to get bloodwork done at her home, for some reason?  And what a coincidence that this happens on the same day that the interior designer is over to NOT hang window treatments, according to John.  I give 5 stars to the scene where Nikki is hiding in the closet with the nurse while John is upstairs with the interior designer.  Classic TV right there, THIS IS REALITY, PEOPLE!  Actually I think I like the part where Nikki rips off her bandage only a few minutes after having her blood drawn.  It really is amazing that blood didn’t spew everywhere.  So, once again, Nikki is lying to John and we all know how that ends up: with Nikki apologizing and John buying her a house or car or some other gift while talking in a businessman tone.

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Eva Marie: She’s already married to her husband, but why not have a big wedding now?  And now that they’re having a wedding, they need engagement photos!  Which makes sense, because everyone takes engagement photos after they are already married.  And by engagement photos, I mean softcore porn that will be sent to all their closest friends and family.  How sweet!

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But, once again, Eva Marie’s dad stole the show.  He didn’t have a classic freak out like he has in the past, but him and Eva’s brothers have quite a fit when they find out she is not planning on getting married in a Catholic church.  I mean, Eva Marie embodies the Catholic faith every day through her job, the way she dresses, her life choices, etc. etc.  Eva Marie’s husband, Jonathan, is not a Catholic and does not want to convert.  Eva respects his choice but ultimately chooses her dad over her husband and secretly tells her dad that she will get married in a church.  Best way to start off any marriage is by going behind your husband’s back!  You go, Eva Marie!

Come back soon when we talk about how Eva Marie is getting divorced because her husband doesn’t trust her.