It’s hard to believe a week has already passed since we were in Dallas. Actually, at this exact time one week ago, I think I was passed out due to drinking pretty much non-stop during the previous 24 hours. Nice job, Sammerz.
Our trip began with our flight being delayed by two hours. It wasn’t all bad though, as this gave us ample time to gulp down plenty of $9 beers from the airport Chili’s before grabbing an Auntie Anne’s pretzel and boarding our flight, on which we continued to drink. By the time we made our descent into Dallas, we were six songs deep into an epic mid-air, drunken lip-sync battle. (I hate myself for using the word epic.)
Our first and most important event of the whole trip was Iron Cactus, where there was a party hosted by/in honor of (?) Kevin Nash AKA Tarzan from Magic Mike!!!!!!! That’s right, ladies – I went to a party with that big, old dude from that stripper movie who you think gets in the way of Channing Tatum’s screen time. You fools. Big Daddy Cool was the best part of those movies.
There were other wrestling people there too, most of whom I didn’t know but my fiance liked. I was just happy because I didn’t have to wait to use the bathroom at all. I reunited with a wrestler I danced with one time in Milwaukee, only this time he pretended to get a phone call so he wouldn’t have to talk to me anymore. Smooth, guy. I would do the same thing. Also, this video:
After a few pictures and plenty of drinks I decided to make my move and sneak into the VIP area to meet Mr. Nash. My fiance followed me but promptly got kicked out, while I snuck into the crowd of people surrounding the drunken former wrestler turned movie star. I asked some poor chap to hold take a picture of me when it was my turn to meet Kevin. He obliged and held my phone while we waited and waited. Finally, it was my turn. I stuck out my hand, he was reaching for mine, when some d-bag with a CAT in a BAR budges right in front of me and starts in on some drug-and-laughter-fueled rant about how she has so many ideas for her cat. This bitch would not shut up! Her boyfriend was holding the cat, and apparently he’s related to some wrestler (the boyfriend, not the cat). I was sick of waiting and felt bad for the guy holding my phone, so I asked him to just take my picture. This is the awesome result.
We ditched the party after that and hit up the Denny’s next to our hotel. Great choice.
The next day we were going to go to WWE Axxess, which is like Comic Con for wrestling fans. I know, right – you thought Comic Con people were nerds. Unfortunately (wink wink) they were sold out of tickets, so we made our way to a bar and drank Texas’ finest beer: Lone Star. After a few drinks and a couple of gross shots (never do a Vegas bomb unless you like the taste of strippers’ assholes), we made our way back to the hotel, where I decided to take a nap … until the next morning. I hate myself so much for wasting a night of vacation. Damn my Wisconsin upbringing for making me think I could drink beer nonstop for two days.
When I woke up, it was Wrestlemania day. We got some grub at In-N-Out and all was right in the world. Food is my life.
I could probably write more about our In-N-Out than I could about Wrestlemania. It’s hard to remember everything about a seven-hour show especially when beer is involved. Main points:
- Zack Ryder lol
- Bye-bye to the Divas Division along with the ugly belt. Hello Women’s Division. My vagina was so proud #GirlPow
- Undertaker winning and my vagina being proud again
- A janitor took my photo in the bathroom
I would like to say we partied all night after that, but after a $170 Uber ride, we just went to bed. #WeOld
The next day was the best day for me food-wise, which if you haven’t figured out by now, food is the main thing I’m concerned about when we go on vacation. We started out with Velvet Taco. I highly recommend the tots and the brisket breakfast taco and everything else they have. SO GOOD. Later, after I was sufficiently sunburnt from sitting by the pool, we went to the Truck Yard and I never wanted to leave. It was like a big backyard, complete with lawn chairs, a rickety stage, and a bar in a treehouse. Kind of like a hipster junkyard I guess? But in a cool and clean way. I had a Philly cheesesteak and I could’ve eaten three more. There were food trucks too for other food options. I was sad when we left to go to Raw, which was boring and two people sitting in front of us reeked like piss.
Our trip ended too soon, but we were out of money and our livers were dying. Just like the Undertaker, this may have been our last Wrestlemania, but I know it wasn’t our last adventure together. MIC DROP.