Totally Total Divas: Always a Bridesmaid

Total Divas returned this past Sunday and it did not disappoint!  Wait, I retract that; some parts were fairly boring but hey, that sneak peek of the season looked amazeballs, didn’t it?!  And whatta way to end the first episode – with a cliffhanger!  Actually, it’s pretty fortunate I waited until today to write this review as I have been stalking Nikki Bella’s Instagram since Sunday and – lo and behold – she posted quite the giveaway photo today.  But we’ll get to that later.  Let’s tear this episode up, shall we?

JoJo: BAHAHAHA, kidding.

Trinity: Not much air time for this Funkadactyl this week besides her giving advice to the “special” Diva, Eva Marie.


Nattie: Gurl got crunk for the Bella Twins’ Dirty Thirty birthday bash!  In between her one-on-one interviews, most of which were her discussing how classless the new diva is, we saw Nattie gettin’ down and pounding drinks.  Naughty Nattie also came out to play as we saw her grinding up on Ariane’s boy toy, Vinny.  #ew

Of course, this did not fly with Ariane and she reacted in typical Ariane fashion: throwing a hissy fit.  Girl took Nattie outside and proceeded to screech some incomprehensible words, only to be stopped by a bully cop who threatened to arrest them there on the spot.  ???  The ladies ran back inside and LOLOLOLOL’d about it, and then I assume had a threesome with Vinny. #DoubleEw

ari1 ari2

Ariane: As previously stated, Ariane freaked about Nattie’s behavior.  But really, I’m not sure why she’s worried.  IT’S NATTIE.  Doesn’t she remember making fun of Nattie’s dance moves last season?  I could be wrong though, maybe married life has turned Nattie into a sex-crazed maniac.  I guess we’ll have to keep watching to find out!  Such anticipation.

Summer Rae: I honestly thought her name was Summer Rain for the longest time.  Which would make sense, since her inclusion on the show is like a downpour in the middle of July: much needed.  The other Divas were getting too comfortable with each other – posting all their fuzzy Instagram pictures, being nice to each other even BEHIND each others’ backs, and occasionally getting along with Eva Marie!  Some new drama was definitely needed on the show, and I have no doubt that Summer Rae will not disappoint.  She already said “hi” in a snarky manner to the other Divas and pissed them off!  Ooooh!  And we all already know that she’s going to slap the shit out of Nattie this season and obviously that will shake things up.

Apparently though, it doesn’t shake things up enough to stop S.R. and Nattie from doing media events together.

#confused Also, LOL at that one guy's comment.
Also, LOL at that one guy’s comment.

Eva Marie: Last season, we saw Eva Marie deceive her parents by not telling them she was engaged to her boyfriend, the ever-so-classy Jonathan.  Tears were shed and accusations were flying.  As audience members to this train wreck, we learned that Eva Marie is on a whole other level of dumb.

However, Eva Marie learned from her mistake and started out this season by being open and honest with her family.


NOT.  Eva Marie did what any rational woman who craves the acceptance of her father would do: she married her Ed Hardy-wannabe boyfriend.  Secretly.  As in they eloped and no one knew.

Eventually, one of the Divas found out and rapidly spread the news to all the other ladies.  Eva Marie started to feel guilty, and the tension mounted as her family came to town for a visit.  As her family settled in to her apartment (without noticing her wedding band that she continued to wear while they were there), Eva Marie dropped hints that she was married.  You know, doing things like calling Jonathan her “husbandger” and saying that he “comes over a lot.”  Eventually Jonathan himself showed up and forgot to take off his wedding ring before he sat down for what I’m sure would’ve been a lovely visit.  One of Eva Marie’s helicopter brothers noticed the ring, and shit hit the fan.  Tears were shed and accusations were flying.  The family stormed out.  End scene.

Later, Eva Marie and husbandger visit the family at the hotel, only to be greeted with cold shoulders and hurt feelings.  Shit hit the fan.  Tears were shed and accusations were flying.  I’m starting to see a recurring pattern here…

Although we didn’t see if all was forgiven or not, I am glad Eva Marie’s dad was on the show again.  Dude steals the spotlight every time and should definitely be a permanent fixture on the series.

Bella Twins: Such irony with these Divas!  As one twin is preparing for her wedding, the other’s heart is broken and uncertain about the future of her love life.  Brie and fiance Bryan Danielson a.k.a. Daniel Bryan registered for their wedding at a free-range, BPA-free, nature-lover’s store and bring along their adopted daughter Nikki.  Considering Nikki just got her heart broken by the dreamboat that is John Cena, she is less than thrilled to be helping her sister complete the wedding registry.  Seeing that Nikki is now 30 and mature as ever, she stormed out saying something along the lines of, “This is stupid.”

Throughout the show, we see how awkward it is for Nikki and John to see each other since they work at the same place.  I imagine it was just as horrible as when you’re in high school and have to walk past your ex-boy/girlfriend’s locker every day on the way to the cafeteria.  #sadness  Nikki faced a lot of conflicting feelings and turned to her adopted parents for advice, which boiled down to “You need to really think about this” from Brie and *giggles* from Bryan.

The weirdo that is heartbroken John Cena eventually sends Nikki 5, yes FIVE, stalkerish texts in a row begging her to come meet him (after he asks how she is, of course. #AwkwardTexter).  Brie throws on her “hottest dress” and what appears to be a cheap bathroom rug, walks past a bunch of tourists on the seaside, and meets John on a pier.  END OF SHOW.

Now, I know we are all anticipating next week’s episode to see what happens, but rumors are flying that he proposed.  IDK WHAT TO THINK!  Nikki’s Instagram was pretty John-free the past few months, and if they are engaged, I could not see her keeping her mouth shut about that.  However, she posted the following photo today with the caption “At the airport and had to buy the hottest cover I have ever seen… Um wow is all I can say … Plus a great article as well…” (Right Nikki, like you bought it for the articles.)

At the airport and had to buy the hottest cover I have ever seen... Um wow is all I can say 

I am into this way more than I should be.  Time to Diva detox.

Come back next week to see if Eva Marie's dad had his fourth heart attack!
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