Totally Total Divas: The Braniel Bus

Before we even dive into this week’s recap of Total Divas, let’s give some props to the E! Network for the name of this episode.  Such clever!  The Braniel Bus?!  lololololz

Okay, now that that’s over, let’s recap how Arianne is a bully, Eva Marie is a victim, and Nikki is a hillbilly.

Brie Bella: Thanks for supplying the wheels to this episode, gurl!  Brie convinced her fellow hippie and lover Daniel Bryan/Bryan Danielson to rent a bus after seeing John Cena’s mansion on wheels.  Not only that, but she got him to agree to let the other ladies on there too.  As in all 6 of them AND their significant others (sans John Cena, but we’ll talk about that later).  Ugh.  Even thinking about being around that much estrogen makes me want to stick my hand down my pants and scratch my nonexistent balls.  Plus the number one rule on the bus is no boners, so the sexual tension has to be through the roof.  But, I will say the bus provides a perfect, cramped quarters for all the divas to gossip about each other.  It’s like Rock of Love Bus meets Real Housewives AKA super classy AKA total sarcasm.

Nattie: “Wah, Summer Rae is so classless, wah I’m the top diva, wah weird insult, weird insult.”  Nattie continued her rant from last week about how Summer Rae needs to be more humble and how Nattie is the best wrestler or some shit like that.  She also showed off her (lack of) dancing skills once again and attempted to lap dance for TJ on the bus.  Please don’t show Nattie again until she’s obsessing over one of her cats.  kthx

Eva Marie: Scandalous photos of Eva Marie surfaced on this week’s episode, due to the investigation conducted by Ariane.  So they’re bikini pics, whatevz.  You wear less clothing in the ring (at least based off the pics that E! so graciously showed us during the episode).  However, everyone got a big kick out of the pictures, even our favorite diva, Fandango.

Also, no word on if Eva Marie’s family disowned her or not.  Pretty sure getting secretly married isn’t half as bad as some of the things they eluded to in this episode, so her family should’ve been thrilled that she’s not a drug lord or something.

Summer Rae: As of right now, I’m not sure why the other divas are hating on Summer so much.  Sure her voice is worse than nails on a chalkboard, but girl tells it like it is.  And okay, she is sassy about some things, but isn’t that in the definition of being a diva?  She can dance and she has to put up with Fandango as her partner, so as of right now, I’m digging this diva.  Also her and Eva Marie had the hottest hashtag this episode. #GoldAndRedForeverDawg.  Brought to you by the one and only, Eva Marie’s husbandger.

Ariane: Dug up the scandalous photos of Eva Marie in order to “humble” her.  Uhh not sure where you get your logic from?  Digging up the pictures was totally a diva move, and not apologizing when Eva Marie confronted her was even more of a diva move/borderline bitch move.  Where all the moms against bullying at?

Trinity: Total mom against bullying.  Trinity acted as the voice of reason to Ariane, and thankfully Ariane actually listens to her Funkadactyl partner.  Ariane did eventually apologize at the end of the episode but PLOT TWIST: Eva Marie rejected her apology and declared war.  Awww yea Diva Showdown!  If only they could wrestle each other to get out their aggressions.

Nikki Bella: Enough about these losers and their boring picture drama.  Can we talk about how Nikki and John Cena got back together this episode?!  Totally swoon-worthy.  To be honest, I missed the first 5 minutes of the episode, so I missed this part.  But weird how everything was resolved within 5 minutes.  All I can gather from the episode is that they are back together and boning all the time, as if we would expect anything less from the slutty Bella.

Oh wait, there was that weird thing during most of the episode where Nikki didn’t want to see John.  Why?  Because she lost her tooth in a wrestling match.  A back tooth.  Not even visible if she didn’t open her mouth awkwardly wide like the Chesire Cat.  But of course, if you don’t have all your teeth, you are the Wicked Witch of the West and your boyfriend hates you.  Nikki stowed away on the Braniel Bus (even though John’s is way nicer) and neglected to tell John where she was.  All because she lost a tooth.  She didn’t even have any bruising!  Well, if she did, her 10 pounds of makeup did its job and covered dat shit up.  Anyway, way to be a great role model for young girls everywhere, Nikki.  Men only love women for their looks!

Eventually Nikki found her way back to John because she needed some action.  John called his woman ridiculous for hiding from her – ALL OVER A TOOTH – and the two made up.  Aww true luv 4evah.

Come back next week when we talk about Summer Rae slapping Nattie.  YES YES YES DRAMA.