Totally Total Divas: Bad News Bryan and Roadside Rumble

The Divas continue to bring the drama to the small screen every week.  How am I supposed to keep up with these crazy cats?  Obviously I was super busy last week so I didn’t have time to write about last week’s episode (by super busy, I mean I was honing my procrastination skills).  That being said, I’m just going to lump last week’s and this week’s episode into one blog post.  Cool?  Cool.

If it’s not cool with you, I’m going to go Nattie on yo ass.

Funkadactyls Naomi & Ariane: So long, Funkadactyls!  Naomi and Ariane have a brief meeting with a big wig at WWE to find out that Naomi will now be wrestling on her own, and Ariane will be valeting her out to the ring.  Naomi is trepadacious at first because she doesn’t want to leave her friend behind (aww how sweet), but as her husband and everyone else reminds her, she is much more talented and ready for it than Ariane is. LOL at clips of Ariane awkwardly trying to wrestle.  Ariane reacts maturely as always, and decides to secretly ask if she can go back to newbie wrestling place so she doesn’t have to just stand by the ring to cheer on her former partner.  #GirlBye  Ariane tells this news to the ladies and Naomi pretty much says “fuckubye” and Ariane is left standing all on her own (where’s Vinny?).  Hopefully this gives Ariane more time for her slammin’ music career.

Rosa: Typical newbie status, being in the first episode a LOT and then barely featured in the next episodes.  She was the voice of rage reason though, when Nattie and Summer Rae are at each other’s throats, but we’ll get to that later.

Nikki Bella:  To freeze or not to freeze, that is the question.  Nikki continued to hide her decision from John, until he eventually finds her egg-freezing drugs.  He has a minor meltdown because he thinks they are HARDCORE drugs that she is bringing into their home, but she explains that they are hormones and she is freezing dem eggs up, suckah!  YOU CAN’T SEE MY EGG-FREEZING DRUGS!  John gets mad, Nikki apologizes, and says she won’t freeze her eggs.  PSYCHE!  She changes her mind again and decides to freeze her eggs.  John reacts differently this time, and pulls the gentleman card and agrees to be there for her the whole way.  Awwww!  I hope Nikki wears this shirt from now until forever.

never give up

In the next episode, we see Nikki at a business meeting with her sister Brie (more like buzziness meeting, amirite?!).  Brie asks Nikki if she can borrow money from her and John, and Nikki says YES YES YES!  Of course, she didn’t run this past John before saying they could borrow the money.  It’s like this girl doesn’t learn / has no basic human skills such as compassion or common sense.  Nikki runs the idea past John, who says NO NO NO and tattles on Brie to Daniel Bryan.  Thank goodness the guys were there to clean up this whole mess!  Yay dudes!

Total Divas Businesswomen

Brie Bella: The newlyweds move into their new home, which is quite modest and a breath of fresh air compared to John Cena’s mega mansion.  Kudos to you two for being (somewhat) normal people.  However, the home does need some work, as in the WHOLE home, according to Brie.  Daniel just thinks it needs some Green upgrades, such as solar panels, and the two have their first argument as newlyweds.  Aww how cute!  Later on, Daniel receives the unfortunate news that he needs surgery and will have to take some time off work.  Brie realizes that there are more important things in life than getting everything she wants in a home blah blah blah the two make up and are back to being happily married.

That is, until Brie quits WWE!  Totally crazy!  Oh, I am being told that this was just a storyline for WWE.  I mean, I totally knew that WWE had writers and wasn’t real fighting.  Yeah, totally … anyway, Brie and Daniel start thinking of what they should do with their lives after eventually retiring from WWE.  After an interesting (and totally scripted) meeting at Brie’s mom’s recruiting company, the duo do a quick search on Google and and decide they could run a bed and breakfast where they could teach people how to live a sustainable lifestyle.  Brie is all in for this idea, so she asks calls a buzziness meeting with her sister to ask for some start-up cash.  Nikki says yes, John says no, and Daniel gets mad.  What is with these twins, always thinking they can get away with things behind their significant others’ backs?  It’s like there was only one brain developed in the womb so they each only got half a brain.

"Sooo ... you don't want to hire us?"
“Sooo … you don’t want to hire us?”

Sorry, that was mean and rude.  I do dig the way Brie Bella dresses as of late, so at least she got the fashionable part of the brain.

Eva Marie: More family drama, snore.  It always ends up the same: 1. her weird dad / my favorite character on the show gets mad; 2. Eva Marie and Jonathan sulk off; 3. everything is resolved when we see them next.  This time was no different, but we did get to see Eva Marie and her dad hash it out.  Eva Marie’s dad is sick, so she wants to make him happy by having an all-Catholic-everything wedding.  This doesn’t fly with Jonathan, especially after Eva Marie embarrasses him in front of their families by going behind his back.  Eva Marie realizes she has to be on her husband’s side since, uhh, they are already married, so she sulks up to her dad and baby talks him, telling him she can’t have a Catholic wedding.  The whole conversation was AWKWARD.  Is it obvious to anyone else that Eva Marie wants to marry her dad?  Her dad actually takes the news pretty well, but who knows how her psycho, over-protective brothers took it.

Side note: does anyone else see the hypocrisy of Eva Marie having a Catholic wedding?  1. They’re already married.  2. She doesn’t lead a very Catholic life, based off what is shown on the show.  3. DEM ENGAGEMENT PICTURES.  4. They’re already married!!!!!  I mean, would the church just burn down as she was walking down the aisle?  Guess we’ll never know.

Summer Rae & Nattie: Guess who’s back?!  The diva turned movie star Summer Rae returns from filming the hit film, Marine 4 (did it even premiere yet?  Is it even a real movie?), and gets right back to fucking shit up.

back summer

According to Nattie, NO ONE EVEN CARES THAT SHE FILMED A MOVIE NO ONE IS JEALOUS WAIT SUMMER WAS GONE WHO CARESSSSS.  Rosa invites Summer to ride with her to the next city, and guess who Rosa is sharing a car with?  BUM BUM BUMMMMM it’s Nattie!  You can’t even WRITE this stuff, it’s just so REAL!  The drive unfolds just like you would expect – Nattie makes sly comments that are directed at Summer Rae, Summer Rae calls her out on it, Nattie denies making comments directed at Summer Rae, Summer Rae asks Nattie if she treats TJ like shit, Nattie pulls over and beats the shit out of Summer Rae … ‘s hair.  The two walk around in the middle of the road and are then ushered back into the car by Rosa.  And by ushered, I mean Rosa has a meltdown of her own and starts screaming at the two blondes to get their asses back into the car.  Props to Nattie for continuously showing off her mature, senior-diva status.  Whatta role model!

There's about to be a "cat" fight!  Get it, because Nattie loves cats?!
There’s about to be a “cat” fight! Get it, because Nattie loves cats?!

Come back soon when we’ll speculate if JoJo is still alive.